She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
MIDGETS
????
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
