i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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