I'm so fucking centered right now
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
