mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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