and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
