My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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