If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.