In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left