He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
