I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She even gives head with a lisp.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
