enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
