totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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