awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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