I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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