so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
