I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
