So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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