Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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