I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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