the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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