where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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