Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
