I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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