This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
