I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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