It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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