Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
