He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
