Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
