We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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