Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
