I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
