So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
