Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
