I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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