Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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