You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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