I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
