Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
