Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
