My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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