A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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