I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
