i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
