i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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