If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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