Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
