i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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