You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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