You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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