I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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