New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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