i think my tv is drunk
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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