he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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